When you finally grow up.

On the 31st of August 2013, I turned 21 years old. By this stage of life, most Americans would have been either in college, working on a job, living independently, and paying their own bills.

Well, I'm not an American, but those are the kind of life I anticipated I would have been living right now.

Alas, as you might be aware of, I am currently battling with a disease I am unsure I will overcome. Today, I should have been in college, studying for the big final. But here I am... At home with my parents.

I should have my driving liecence by now. Yes, I haven't got one. And my own car perhaps. But still, mom is still driving me around.

Today, I woke up at 7am. Try as I may, I couldn't get back to sleep. So I turn on the TV... I was sleeping in the living room. You see, my family is living in a government quarters. My family have 7 members and the house only had 2 bedrooms. I prefer not to share a room with my teenage brothers.

I was surfing the channels on the TV, and did only that until noon. At 12 I took my shower, lunch and my meds... And back on the couch. My brothers were out to town with some friends..... I'd like to do that too, but you see, in this town, I don't know any friends. I spent my school days in a boarding school and the only friends I knew is either a 100 miles away or in college in the peninsular. We barely have any neighbour... I mean, we are living in the school compound for God's sake.

I looked at my phone, none of my messages to my friends were replied. Guess they are just busy... That's all...

Maybe it's better this way. Stop thinking about others who are an ocean away and start looking for a nearer company... But how could I? I'm stuck at home...

I wish I will be able to continue my studies next year... Hoping I will find someone to call "my best friend" again... Or perhaps love. Yeah... I would want that.

An Assignment: The Macbeth Play

In our English Studies subject this semester, we were given an assignment which would require us to perform a drama from a play in the syllabus. On the month of February 2011, the 107 PPISMP (TESL) Semester 2 students were divided into four Houses of Production, where each class were considered as one production house. My class group, TESL 1, was named as the House of Winchester. The play that we were required to do was, “The Tragedy of Macbeth” by William Shakespeare.

On the 10^th of February 2011, we formed the committee our production house. At first, I was appointed as the scriptwriter. Unfortunately, everyone was reluctant to be the director of the production house. So, our class monitor picked me to be the director. I was already pleased with my position as the scriptwriter, and I was aiming to be one of the main actors. Therefore, I was slightly unhappy to be appointed as the director as I know the chances for me to hold an important character in the play was thin. But, for the sake of gaining experience and being selfless, I accepted the appointment.

Being the director of a play without enough experience was unimaginably horrible. I went in and out the Language Department to meet my lecturers, I need to prepare practice plans for the play, and the task I disliked the most was, conducting the audition. Scouting talent among your friends could be hard, as you would sometime be accidentally unfair. But, trying to be professional, I put all my personal affairs with my friends aside, and judged their auditions in search for real talents. During the audition, our assistant director, Nur Aunie and I were simply looking for anyone who possessed good voice projections. I was generally disappointed. However, we managed to select our main characters anyway.

In preparing the script, I did not want to rely wholly on the two of our scriptwriters, Shahrul Mubaarak and Khairunisa’. We were all well aware that the scriptwriters are simply editing and simplifying the original script by Shakespeare. However, we would want the storyline in our script to be coherent. As far as I can observe, the two of our scriptwriters had never done any discussion among themselves whatsoever. They were simply dividing tasks on which part of the original script that they should modify. So, as they have come out with their script, there were huge differences of style of presentation, moods and even style of language between the two of them. To tell them what I want, is not an easy task. So, I’ve decided to edit the drafted script myself.

           During the period of practising the play, I have problem with the punctuality of my friends. The regular time for our practise to start was at 8.30 pm. As for me, I always come five minutes earlier. Unfortunately, most of my friends would turn up at 9 pm, and sometimes at 9.30 pm. What added to my dissatisfaction was; they have never come up with any considerable excuse for always being late. Trying to be considerate, I’ve changed the time for our practise to start – at 9 pm. To my disappointment, some of them still turn up 30 minutes later. As the director, I have repeatedly had a talk about this matter to them at the end of every practice sessions, but I guess changing people’s attitude is never an easy task.

Tardiness issues aside, if I were to compare their commitments and acting performance from Day 1 to the week prior to the Big Day, they have shown lots of improvements. From voice projections to body gestures, from facial expressions and dictions, my friends have been improvising and they did great during the show. But of course, there are still a lot more room for improvements. What matters most, to me, is the experience.

Before we began practising the acting part, I thought that we must come out with the background music and sound effects first. This is to ensure that the actors and actresses would be able to get use with the sequence of the music and this would also help them to memorize on what they should do after one action and another. To come up with the proper sound effect and music, the production house appointed a Music Manager. Unfortunately, the appointed person has never showed up in every practice session. In fact, he preferred to be ‘alienated’ by all of us.

            Therefore, without wanting to waste valuable time on such matter, I’ve decided to look and manage the music and sound effects by myself. By this point I’ve realized that, if you want to be satisfied with everything; you have to do it yourself. Of course, it would sound like this play is a ‘one-man show’, but I did that in order to save time and be satisfied with the result. I already have the source to find the music and sound effects anyway, so I thought this might make the work easier.

About the preparation of the props and sets, I must mention Faeez Mahmood, Muhammad Anuar, Nik Ahmad Syahmie, Mohd Irman and Mohd Ikmal for they were the most helpful persons in building the props and sets. During the last two weeks before our performance, we often sleep at 4 am just to complete all of the props and sets. While we were progressing for the acting performance, I’ve realized that to bring the spotlight to our production house, we must show something which possessed a “WOW” factor – something which will impress people. So, I’ve come up with an idea of building a 3D horse as one of our props.

To save time and to be satisfied with the horse prop, I’ve build the horses on my spare time in my room, with the help from my PISMP BM/PSV semester 1 senior, Shahrul Hisyam. My plan worked as we’ve received many compliments from the audience about our horse – Maximus and Black, as I named them.

     

Another plan that I have come up with on the play, in order to make our class appear significant from the other classes was; a dancing element in the play. During the first part of the act (Act 1, Scene 1), our witches, Khairunisa’, Isymah and Vaishnavi did some mad dancing on an Old Irish music. At first, the three of them - our witches – were not able to dance very well. But as they put their best effort of practising it, they have managed to do it well. As an ex-dancer myself, I know the hardship in learning how to move your body, let alone dancing. Thus, I appreciate their effort very, very much. This element in our play managed to serve as a good introduction to our play, and as an addition, my personal relationships between the three of my friends here are very close now, as I have got to know each of them much better through our dancing practises.

When it comes to costumes, what I had in mind was; spend as little money as possible. Therefore, most of the costume worn during the play, especially by the minor character (ensembles), were owned by the actors/actresses themselves. The costume designers, Nabila Atifah and Marciana Tho, have put a lot of effort in sewing all of the costumes for the main characters. I’ve heard that they worked until the wee hours just to put all the costumes together. But of course, we are still in our stage of learning. We are not tailors, nor fashion designers – but at least we’ve managed to come up with our best. As I’ve said, what matters most is the experience, all you have to concern about is whether you are doing the correct thing or otherwise.

In the acting performance, most of my friends agree that what we were lacking in our House of Production was, acting talents. However, there are some of us who knew how to act very well, for instance, Nabila Hussein – our Lady Macbeth. The actor for Banquo’s character, Shahrul Mubaarak, also have his own unique way of acting in which would entertain most people as he is naturally funny in character. Banquo’s character, in which we have modified a little in our play, managed to deliver some comical messages well during our performance.

            In our play, almost all of the house members were actors and actresses, including myself who held the character as Prince Donalbain. Only our music supervisor, Ling Tuong Sing, who was not assigned to any character. So, most of us were multitasking behind stage during the show. Managing the props, putting on the sets and changing costumes were all done by us alone. Of course, there were some flaws occur, but we've managed to overcome all of it.

Putting up a theater play, with the forces of only 27 people, is an achievement which we could be proud of. Overall, the members of House of Winchester managed to give their best in terms of commitments and cooperation, which enabled the play to be staged. After the end of the play, we have got to know each other better, and we were getting closer in terms of friendship. The experience of performing ‘Macbeth’ drama play will forever be treasured by all of us, TESL 1 - House of Winchester.

...and my world came tumbling down. PART III

OCT 14th 2013

   It has been almost six months since that day. The day when my life have absolutely turned upside down. I left college and suspended my studies for the whole year thanks to this damned disease.

   I was suppose to undergo an open heart surgery a few weeks after my second chest tube, however, the doctors determined that my weak heart will pose a huge risk on me for a lung surgery. Meanwhile, my heart is also uneligable for any major surgery or transplant either... So, this day, I am still staying at home, waiting for the next call from my doctor for thier medical plan.

  It has been very tough for me. For months, I was unfit to do anything... Or go anywhere. My trip to South Korea, which I have been looking forward since last year has to be cancelled. I also have to transfer to a new campus closer to home if I were to proceed with my studies... Which means I would have to leave my friends... My friends whom I love so dearly...

   Talking of friends, for six months, my only friend whom I would spend time with was my cousin, Mervyn. He was the only place where I would run to when I need to talk my heart out... Yes, a few friends from college did occasionally text me, but I can't blame them for being busy with their own life... But I've lost some friends along the way..... I guess long distance is always bad for any relationship.

    I have always been positive with my life... I tried not to think very much about the pain I suffer. But the people around me was less than helpful. Eversince I learned that I have a diseased lung, and a weak heart, I have lost my ability to do most things that I love. I could no longer run.... Or swim.... Or climb.... And dive... I would have to take extra precoutions when it comes to food... My Mom and grandma, or my Aunts will constantly nag if I drink something cold, or be shirtless when it's hot, or be outside when it's cold, and take shower when it's raining..... Yes... Yes.... I know they did it out of love and concern....... But think about it. When all these came to you all too sudden. One day you were running here and there, next day you found out that will be thw last.

   I turned 21 last August... At 21 years of age, a man like me would have been at the top of their youth. Living a life of freedom... Having thier own cribs, responsibilities. And there's me. Treated like a person who lost a limb. Became a 12 year old once again.

   You see, unlike most of my friends, I am rather ambitious. After I turned 18, I have determined what I would achieve, and what I would earn before I turn 30. I am not a kind of person who likes to be pampered. I am those kind of person whom you could NOT tell them what to do or not to do.... But I guess, I have to submit to fate.......

   For real.... Some people are very unhelpful whenever they talk to me. I know their intention is to encourage me....... Alas, they sound as if they are annoyed with me being physically unhealthy.

"They are others who are worst than you~~~"

   Yes. I KNOW. But as far as I concern, I have never come to them and whine about my pathetic life... Sometimes I have emotional breakdown, yes, but I hid them from anyone...... That is why this Blog is written the first place...

   I was strong and have been trying to be strong the whole time. But sometimes, you couldn't hold in anymore. You'll eventually burst out.

   Physical pain, I can handle... Heartache, I might need some help. Frankly, my future seem gloomy than it was before... At least for an ambitious person like me.

   I feel lonely at times... The person I love most have decided to walk away and move on with life. This is the main reason I........... I could not put the pain into words. I mean, the person who you would literaly die for, walked out of your life when you need them most.

   Everytime I see my doctor, he would start with, "You have multiple problems here, Peter....... Your heart, your lung, and also your Marfan's Syndrome...."

Doctor, that's the least of my problem............ You would want to count my life in that list.

..............................................................................................................................

But just like what Brad Paisley would say,

Behind the clouds,
The sun is shining,
You see even though,
You can't quite make it out.

You may not see,
The silver lining,
But a big blue sky
Waiting right behind the clouds.

END.

...and my world came tumbling down. PART II

MARCH 5th 2013

    My parents have requested to proceed with my treatments at home, Sabah. After all the necessary documents are handed over to us, we left the hospital at 9pm and spent the night in a hotel. The next day, I went back to my campus to pick a few things, and met some of my friends for the last time before I leave for Sabah.

MARCH 6th 2013

    We were on a plane bound for Kuala Lumpur, then another one bound for Kota Kinabalu. We landed safely in KKIA at 3.30 pm, then proceed our 2 hours road journey heading for Keningau. I didn't even got the chance to go back home once we arrived at Keningau, but instead we rushed to the hospital. I waited for hours in the emergency room, waiting for a spot in the medical ward. At 1 am, finally they called my name. It has been a horrible day for me and my parents... We were extremely exhausted.

.......................................................................................................

MARCH 9th 2013

    I met Dr. Reena, a very friendly female doctor in charge in the ward. I remembered asking her, what is really wrong with me...

"We suspect that your right lung have been infected by some kind of bacteria, but we are yet to confirm... You might also have an infection or abnormality in you heart... Do you mind telling me more about your lifestyle? Are you in a constant emotional pressure?"

       And we had small talks... I remembered she told me,

       "I really want to help you, Peter. You are young and have a bright future ahead of you. But the doctors right now still cannot determine what your real problem is. We have given you "mega" antibiotics alas to no avail... I hope you are coping well... Have faith and be patient... You know... You can be a doctor but you can't be God. We'll do our best"

............................................................................................................

I was referred to Queen Elizabeth I Hospital in Kota Kinabalu few days later. I went through a pleuroscopy procedure and a tube was inserted to my right chest. I was then diagnosed with Pleural Tuberculosis and a possibility of Cardiomegaly, or enlargement of the heart. 

After a month being in 3 different hospitals, I was finally discharged a day before Easter.

Twelve days later, I was back in the hospital due to worsening chest pain and breathlessness. A second tube was inserted and I stayed for another twelve days in the hospital...

During my days in the hospital, I have seen so many life come to an end... including one of my former school teacher. He passed away after 3 days in a coma due to stroke. I've witnessed a man died in front of his wife and son, I saw a mother who collapsed in her tears knowing her son was gone, and there were countless episodes of sheer pain and agony.

TO BE CONTINUED...

...and my world came tumbling down. PART I

DEC 20th 2012

  

  The household was very busy preparing for Christmas. We were scrubbing the house inside out as we will host this year's Christmas family gathering. My cousins and I planned many exciting activities to do on Christmas day and we were damn excited. But something was not quite right with me... I tire too easily.

DEC 22nd 2012

      Usually, I have no problem running up two flights of stairs. Then, as I climbed the 10-steps staircase in the house, it felt like I've just finished a 200 meter sprint. I would gasp heavily, heart beating so fast, and I would start to sweat. I decided to keep this to myself. I know something is not right, but i thought it was just temporary... How stupid i was then.

............................................................................................................

FEB 20th 2013

     Back to Kota Bharu for another term in Teacher Training Institute. Although easily being exhausted when climbing stairs (My room is on the 4th floor of my campus hostel) is bothering me so much, but I was too busy with campus activities to go to the doctor. I just assume, I'm just experiencing fatigue due to bunch of workloads etc... But then, night sweats and my shrinking waistline started to get to my senses. I came to realize I might be dealing with a big problem here. First thing came to my mind was, I might be having problem with my lungs, since I constantly experiencing minor breathlessness. I should go to the doctor...... but Kota Bharu has been experiencing days of heavy downpour which delayed my plans to get to a doctor.

FEB 28th 2013

     It's Thursday, and class ended early and there was no rain today. So I called my best friend to accompany me to the clinic with his motorcycle. I said to myself that I must have an X-ray taken. We went to several clinics, but it would either be that the doctors are not in, or taking a break, or they don't have an x-ray machine... Then, finally we found one. I've forgotten the name of the clinic. The doctor asked a few questions then asked me to lie down. As he touched my chest, he asked "Do you know that you have a heart problem?"

I looked at him and simply said, "no." He continued pressing on my chest and tummy. "Well, I suspect that you do." He sat down on his table and started writing something on a piece of paper. "I have to send you to the hospital. Take this and get to the hospital immediately."

      Could he be serious? I feel fine... on top of having slight discomfort, I am okay. That's what I thought, until I arrived at the door of Hospital Raja Perempuan Zainab II emergency room. I greeted the attendants with a smile and handed them the piece of paper from the doctor.

   "Come with us and lie down here now." well.... I thought, they sound urgent. They started to put wires on me (ECG). Throughout the procedure, they looked alarmed as if this is a code red emergency.

     "Sir... here. Slowly please." a man came with a wheelchair asking me to sit on it. I was like, "What's all this?? Am I dying?"... I looked at my friend who was standing by the door, and shrugged. I was rushed to the emergency room and scheduled for an X-ray. After a while, some nurses came and took blood samples, and a doctor came to run a few check-ups. When my x-ray film arrived, I know this won't be good.

    "Mr. Peter, I'm afraid you might have some kind of fluid filling your entire right pleura. Your right lung is totally immersed in it."

      I certainly did not expect this. 

    "You have to be hospitalized..." he said, but I refused "I feel fine doctor. Is this really necessary??" 

     "Sir, I think your lung has collapsed. And you are having palpitations. You have no option but to stay for a night and we'll do further examinations on you."

The last thing I wanted was to stay in the hospital. In my mind back then, was my works back in campus. I have to finish the props for my team, I have assignments to submit.... and all the responsibilities I was committed to do. But then I thought, well, I hope I will get out of here in a few days.

I was totally wrong.

MARCH 1st 2013

     At first, I did not plan to tell my parents because I expect to leave the hospital today, or the next day. But of course, it would be a bad idea if they didn't know. So I called last night. My friend stayed in the hospital the entire night with me. My classmates has already made aware of this. Some of the came to visit soon after they heard the news.

MARCH 2nd 2013

     I was sitting alone by the window, overlooking downtown Kota Bharu. I was yet to know my real problem and what am I dealing with. Then, I turned and saw Mom and Dad... They flew from Sabah a day after I told them what happened. I didn't even know they were coming... Parents... when it comes to their children, no matter how far, they will get to you whenever you need them. "You shouldn't have come, mom... I'm fine..." But they love me enough to take sacrifices. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

On the phone with a concerned relative. A good friend of mine came to visit.

Mom and Dad just arrived. Some friends came to visit.

The last group photo of me and my classmates... The next day, I was the last day I was in Kota Bharu.

HOW BIBLIOTHERAPHY MAY BENEFIT YOUNG LEARNERS (IN MALAYSIA)

HI THERE! IF YOU ARE AN UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT AND LOOKING FOR MATERIALS FOR WRITINGS, THEN HERE'S SOME. THIS IS MY ORIGINAL WORK (which I got an A+ on it), BUT I'M WILLING TO SHARE TO ANYONE IN NEED... PLEASE BE NICE AND SAY "THANK YOU" ONCE YOU'VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED AND REMEMBER TO STATE YOUR REFERENCES. GOOD LUCK IN YOUR WORK AND HAVE A NICE DAY. 

-p.m-

       In the current global era, children’s life is significantly different from how it was many years back. Today’s children, especially those growing up in the developed countries, are facing physically agonizing, mentally traumatizing, and life changing experiences before they are even mature enough to have the ability of handling them. The inability to accept, understand and cope with their life’s problem is usually the reason why most of the children ended up being emotionally unstable, demotivated, lost their confidence, and at last being unsuccessful in later stage of their life.

      Being aware of this, many efforts has been put up in order to find the solution for this matter. One of the widely used methods of helping these kinds of children nowadays is Bibliotherapy. Bibliotherapy by definition is a form of supportive psychotherapy in which carefully selected reading materials are used to assist a subject in solving personal problems or for other therapeutic purposes (The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 2000). Therefore, in the therapeutic field we have today, bibliotherapy holds a huge importance in child development.

     Generally, bibliotherapy aims to assist children in overcoming their problems by having them read stories about characters who have successfully resolved a problem just like theirs. Young children are mostly unable to understand their feelings and express themselves; therefore, stories may serve as a platform of open discussion and self-understanding to them. As reading is thought from the earliest stage of their life, children are very familiar to it. This in turn makes bibliotherapy to be the perfect method in helping them with life’s problem. Reading suitable literary pieces with their problem will enable them to identify and validate their feelings subconsciously. To be able to achieve this however, emotional involvement in literary characters and characterization is crucial, and this will lead to the drive for the children to speak, act out or draw pictures to describe their innermost thoughts (Davies, 1999).

Bibliotherapy, on top of that, is also an effective method to inform children about problem that may occur to them and their peers. Therefore, bibliotherapy is actually educating the children about the truth about life – the realities of life – in a more gentle and delicate way. This way, children would be aware of the world and its dark sides, and they will build a general cognitive scheme pertaining to this.

Undoubtedly, most young children who fell into dilemmas may have not reach a cognitive development level where they are able to identify their problems, let alone understanding the means of overcoming them. Thus, bibliotherapy may become a very useful tool for them to see that they are not alone in the situation – the sense of mutuality. The children’s mind may be open to other individual, when they are made aware that what they are experiencing is a known problem, there is a solution for that, and there are other people who may be able to help them. Having the sense that they might share mutual trauma with others would in turn assist them in coping with their problems.

Preceding that, bibliotherapy is able to stimulate discussion among the students with other individuals as they have acquired the sense of mutuality. Thus, bibliotherapy also helps in building the sense of empathy within children. Initially, human are not necessarily born with empathy (Swayer, 2004, p.246). Through books, children learn not only about their feelings, but of others as well. This in turn will encourage discussions with other individuals. Through discussions, children will learn how they can be verbal about their emotions in pursuit of finding resolution for their problems, on top of understanding more deeply about the meanings of humanity.

            Other than that, through bibliotherapy students are actually doing researches on possible options for the solution to their problems. Through books, children will be given the chance to ponder upon alternative means of problem solutions. Stimulation is another way to put it. Children’s mind may sometimes be unpredictable. Through bibliotherapy, children will have the stimulations from their reading materials in order to come up with their own version of problem solution. In short, bibliotherapy is giving children the options of action.

            On top of being an effective psychological cure for children, bibliotherapy is also a perfect tool for teachers to encourage reading activities among their students. Therefore, bibliotherapy is not only subjected to be applied on troubled children, but generally, to any child or teenager. For students who do not have any particular trauma in their lives, reading literary materials used for bibliotherapy may enable them to become more understanding towards their peers who does. Thus, it may be possible for the children who suffer dilemmas, may find comfort from their peers who understand their emotional state.

            Subconsciously, bibliotherapy will teach them many things that we do not teach directly via school curriculum. Through bibliotherapy, students are able to explore, question, improvise and relate social and psychological issues they have read from books, with their own personal life or the life of the people close to them. Teachers are most unlikely to teach these matters like they do in typical classes at school. As reading activity is a process where, most of the time, readers have to be dependable on themselves for interpretations, the lessons or knowledge they gain are more likely pose greater impact towards them and last longer than information put into their mind by others.

The penultimate abstract is; bibliotherapy helps troubled children to see that life is not all ugly. Of course there are times where life can be a grim, sordid, dark and cold. But that is not the sole picture of the world. Though it’s not perfect, but the world if filled with joyous, colourful and warm home. It is filled with life.  Bibliotherapy may become a tool to keep the children’s hearts beating, and pursuit the beauty of the world and make their life with living.

         ­­As a summation, bibliotherapy is a powerful remedy in assisting children who suffer traumatic experiences. On top of that, it is also useful in educating other applicants who may not necessarily be a psychiatric patient. In the field of education, bibliotherapy is also a great tool to encourage and provoke reading activities and interest, in line with the nation’s educational aspiration of having citizens who value reading as a daily routine of life.

            (1055 words)